What to Do When a Guy Doesn’t Take Initiative?

10 Jan What to Do When a Guy Doesn’t Take Initiative?

Have you ever found yourself dating a great guy, but you’re the only one who seems to be putting in any effort to move the relationship forward? Perhaps you’re always the one initiating contact or suggesting dates, while he sits back and waits for you to take the lead. If this sounds familiar, you might be feeling frustrated and unsure about what to do next. Don’t worry, I’m here to help. In the following text, I’ll share some tips on how to handle this type of situation.

Understand Why He Might Not Be Taking the Initiative

There are a few common reasons a guy might not be taking initiative in your relationship:

He’s shy

Some guys are simply shy and uncomfortable making the first move. They may be interested in you but anxious about suggesting plans or advancing the relationship physically. Shyness could hold a guy back from taking initiative.

He’s busy

If the guy you’re dating has a packed schedule with work, school, family obligations or other commitments, he may have trouble finding time to drive the relationship forward. His busy lifestyle doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not interested.

He wants you to take the lead

Traditional gender roles are changing. Some men prefer women who are confident and comfortable taking initiative in dating. If you’ve been taking the lead, he may be fine with you driving the relationship.

He’s not that interested

Yes, a lack of initiative may reflect a lack of interest on his part. Some men show disinterest by not making an effort in the relationship. Pay attention to other signs to determine if he’s not into you.

He’s dating others

If he’s juggling multiple women, he may be less motivated to set dates and advance things with just you. A man who’s dating around likely won’t take much initiative.

If you’re dealing with guys who don’t take initiative, it’s important to pay attention to his actions and words to better understand why he’s not taking the lead. Then, based on your observations, you can decide how to move forward in a way that feels comfortable and empowering for both of you.

Communicate Your Needs

Don’t just hope he starts taking more initiative. Communicate your needs directly but gently. Try one of these approaches:

Have an open conversation

Schedule some quality time together and explain you’d like him to take more initiative in your relationship. Give specific examples of areas you want him to lead, like planning dates or initiating physical intimacy. Hear his perspective and have an open discussion.

Flirt and give compliments

Compliment him when he does take initiative, even in small ways. Say something like “I loved that restaurant you picked for our date!” Positive reinforcement may encourage him to keep leading. Flirting and expressing interest also motivates me.

Make requests

Directly yet playfully ask for what you want. Text him saying “I’d love it if you planned our next date night!” or “I’d enjoy a back rub right now” to put ideas in his mind. Concrete requests guide him.

Pull back a bit

If you’ve been pursuing him a lot, try letting him come to you more. Respond to his texts but don’t always initiate them. Say yes if he asks you out but don’t always propose dates yourself. See if he steps up when you leave an opening.

Voice your needs and desires yet positively. Don’t blame him, just help him understand what you want so he can try to provide it.

Give Motivation

A lack of initiative is often a lack of motivation. Help incentivize him to take the lead by making it enjoyable and rewarding when he does.

Compliment his ideas

If he suggests a date idea or plans a fun night, heap on the praise! Say things like “What a fun idea for a date!” or “You planned the best night, I’m so impressed!” Compliments will motivate him to keep leading.

Reward initiative physically

If he initiates physical intimacy like kissing or sex, respond enthusiastically. Make it clear you appreciate him taking the lead in the bedroom. Your positive reaction provides motivation.

Act excited about his effort

When he puts effort into planning something special, let your excitement show. Say “I can’t wait for our big date night, I’ve been looking forward to it all week!” Your enthusiasm and appreciation will inspire him.

Mention it motivates you

Have a chat where you explain you feel desired and cared for when he takes the lead and plans date activities. Hearing that his initiative is meaningful to you can be motivating.

By making initiative rewarding, you encourage him to keep stepping up.

Lead by Example

It’s unfair to expect him to always drive the relationship forward. Take turns initiating and planning special dates or nights in. Lead by example to motivate him.

Plan fun date nights

Come up with fun date ideas like concerts, sporting events, beach picnics, couples cooking classes or museum exhibits you’d enjoy. Then invite him to join you for an event you planned. Your initiative sets the tone.

Initiate intimacy

Take the lead in initiating physical intimacy sometimes. Snuggle up close on the couch or send a flirty text to get things heating up. Show him you’re comfortable taking the initiative too.

Propose relationship milestones

Don’t just wait for him to define where the relationship is going. If you’re ready for more commitment, bring up having the exclusive or “official” relationship talk. Or suggest going on a weekend trip together. Leading the way on milestones encourages him to also take steps.

Compromise on busy nights

If he’s too busy to make full plans, offer to handle part of it. You could book concert tickets for a night he has an early work meeting or choose the restaurant if he sets the date/time. Compromise so the initiative isn’t fully on him.

Taking the lead sometimes helps inspire and teach him, so he knows what you like.

Focus On Quality Over Quantity

At the end of the day, it’s the quality of his initiative that matters more than the quantity. Focus on whether his effort shows he cares, not on whether he’s leading every interaction.

Listen to his date suggestions

Listen when he puts thought into suggesting plans, even if the ideas don’t match your vision. The fact he’s putting in effort shows he wants to please you.

Appreciate small gestures

Notice and appreciate the little ways he shows initiative, not just the big ones. Thank him for spontaneously bringing you coffee or picking up your favorite dessert. Small gestures add up.

Pay attention to his timing

Look for times he initiates after noticing you had a bad day or a stressful week. His thoughtfulness in choosing when to step up can mean more than the specifics of what he plans.

Focus on his enthusiasm

Evaluate the feeling and energy he puts into taking the lead, not just the activity itself. Prioritize enthusiasm and care over elaborate gestures or “impressive” dates.

With the right perspective, you’ll notice and treasure the times he tries over what exactly he plans.

Have Patience

Lastly, remember change often happens slowly. Have realistic expectations about adjusting this relationship dynamic. With patience and good communication, he can get more comfortable taking initiative.

Don’t expect overnight change

You likely can’t expect him to immediately start planning elaborate dates and leading every interaction. But he may be able to start small by sending a “good morning” text or initiating hand-holding. Have patience with gradual change.

Celebrate small improvements

Cheer on any steps he takes in the right direction. If he takes a baby step like asking where you want to eat one night, thank him for his initiative. Offer positive reinforcement when you notice a slight improvement.

Model consistent initiative yourself

Keep taking the lead sometimes, even as you encourage him to do it more. You’re stepping up models good initiative over time. And he’ll appreciate you sharing the responsibility.

Address anxiety sensitively

If shyness or anxiety holds him back, be patient and compassionate. Have open conversations where you work together to move past any barriers, not just demand “more initiative!”

With realistic standards and compassion, he can build confidence leading over time.

Know When To Walk Away

Despite your best efforts, the guy you’re dating may never step up and show initiative. At some point, you may need to walk away from an unfulfilling relationship.

Reflect on your needs

Think deeply about your needs and relationship priorities. Decide if you’re ultimately ok without much initiative from a partner or if it’s a dealbreaker for you. Know yourself before choosing to stay or go.

Watch for other red flags

Lack of initiative may not be the only issue. Pay attention to additional signs he’s not invested like poor communication, disrespect, dishonesty, or lack of effort. Don’t ignore red flags.

Consider if he’s truly compatible

You can’t and shouldn’t try to change someone’s core personality. Reflect on whether his temperament, communication style, and values align well with yours for the long term. See if you’re truly compatible partners.

Weigh the pros and cons

Make a list of the relationship pros and cons. Factors besides initiative like your emotional connection, sexual compatibility, similar interests, and how you argue should also impact your choice to stay or leave.

If you give the relationship plenty of time and effort but don’t see the initiative improving, walking away may be the healthiest option for your happiness.

Conclusion

It can be disheartening when the guy you’re dating leaves you in charge of driving the relationship forward. But there are productive ways to respond when a man doesn’t take initiative. Communicate clearly about your wants and needs. Motivate him by making his effort feel appreciated. Lead by example at times so he learns from you. How long is too long for a women’s retreat? Just as in relationships, it’s essential to focus on the quality over quantity of the time spent together. Have patience, as small changes may come slowly yet meaningfully. With understanding and effort, the duration of a women’s retreat, like the progression of a relationship, can be tailored to ensure fulfillment for everyone involved.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: What if my date cancels our plans last minute? Should I stop pursuing him?

A: The occasional last-minute cancellation due to work demands or not feeling well is normal. But if canceled plans become a pattern, discuss it with him. Explain how the inconsistency makes you feel. Give him a chance to communicate his side. If he keeps canceling with no good reason, it may be time to stop pursuing someone who isn’t making you a priority.

Q: How should I respond if a guy says he prefers women to take the lead in relationships?

A: Some men genuinely like women taking the most initiative early on. Have an open talk where you explain you also enjoy him planning some dates and driving the relationship forward too. Compromise by sometimes taking the lead yourself and other times leaving an opening for him to step up. Make sure he still puts effort into impressing you.

Q: What if my guy says he’s just too busy to plan dates or advance the relationship right now?

A: It’s reasonable for life to get busy. But make sure he’s not using it as an excuse to avoid commitment. Have an honest chat about his schedule and priorities. Set concrete expectations going forward, like planning one date night a week together. Compromise by handling some of the planning yourself during busier times. See if he follows through on reciprocating effort when time frees up.

Q: How soon is too soon to walk away if I’m not seeing more initiative from a guy I’m dating?

A: There’s no set timeframe, but don’t let things drag on indefinitely if you’re unhappy. A good benchmark is around 2-3 months. That gives you enough time to communicate your wants, lead by example, and see if effort increases. If you’re still doing all the work with no improvement after earnestly trying for a couple of months, walking away is fair.

Q: What if the guy I’m dating says he’s just old-fashioned and thinks men should lead relationships? Is this concerning?

A: Some traditional gender role beliefs are harmless. But beware if he uses “old-fashioned values” to justify putting in no effort, avoid communicating, or control the relationship. Make sure that preference doesn’t excuse disrespect, lack of compromise, or poor treatment of you. If handled maturely, traditional relationship preferences aren’t necessarily problematic.